Progress Update + More

I just had my third session on Wednesday with Myra Moyrylla for Reflex Integration. Things have definitely progresses, but my symptoms tell me they are not fully integrated yet.

The two reflexes we have been working on, are the Moro reflex and the Fear Paralysis reflex. The two are very tied together, but I mostly notice negative symptoms from the Fear Paralysis reflex (FPR). According to online sites and a Reflexology book, things are the usually symptoms one can have from the FPR. I have (or have had at one time) all of them:

• ·         Shallow, difficult breathing

My breathing is not necessarily difficult, but it is quite shallow.

A few years ago when I was searching for natural solutions to health problems and fatigue, I read about the importance of your breathing. Think about it. You can go for weeks without food, days without water, but only a couple minutes without air. It is very important for your health to breathe slowly and deeply. It lowers stress levels and improves so many things, so I started being conscious of my breathing. There were so many times during the day that I’d actually find myself holding my breath (in fact I still do that when under stress), but I do breathe a bit better now just from conscious awareness.

My breathing is more difficult when I’m under physical exertion. There was a point when I thought I might have asthma, but I do better now (I think it was because of the wheat.)

I also cannot have stale air or too “thick” air, or I feel like I’m going to suffocate. Sometimes I crack my window at night—even in the winter (and my nose freezes!)—and I have to open car windows to get air when everyone else is perfectly fine.

• ·         Underlying anxiety or negativity

I definitely have anxiety, though others may not really be able to tell outwardly. It’s still there all the time, no matter what I’m doing. Before my diet change, I had anxiety so bad that I would get panic attacks to the point where a couple times I felt like I was going to pass out going up for communion. It is a lot more under control now, and if I get really anxious I just get nauseous.

I used to be a pretty negative person, but I do a lot better now. A couple years ago my mom got the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. (It is an AWESOME book about thinking, and the Law of Attraction. I think everybody should read it. Although it may seem in-depth in a way, it is just the basics, but a very good simple explanation.)

I read it, and I have to say it changed my life in some ways. I am now a waaaay more positive person, and whereas I used to judge other people a lot, I don’t anymore. If I find myself judging someone else, I immediately notice how I am no better than them, and I know that I have no idea what they could be going through; plus, who am I to judge? Only God has the right to judge us. (It now annoys the crap out of me when people rip on others. Why do you give a crap what they wear? Come on, honey bunches.)

• ·         Insecure, Low self-esteem

Yes, I admit I am insecure about certain things. My body, for one. I know that beauty is not discerned by outward appearance, how in-shape you are, how perfect your skin and hair is, yet I am still not satisfied with myself. What I would give to just love myself unconditionally with no cares or worries for how I am! I envy those people who are like that.

My self-esteem could really use a boost. I know I have nothing wrong with me (other than some health issues), but I really lack positive confidence. The fat girl who wears a bikini to the beach, the guy who acts like a crazy person but doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him, and those who do things as if no one was watching. I wish I could be like them. Actually, it’s one of my goals to become like that.

I care way too much whether I am pleasing other people, whether I am going to hurt them, and what they think about me, when I know none of that matters. I know so much about loving yourself, being confident, how body image and appearance aren’t what makes one beautiful, why introversion is just as good a thing as extroversion, that books smarts don’t actually make one smart, that grades have nothing to do with one’s goodness/smartness—that I could write a book on the subject of Loving Yourself. Yet no matter how much I try to love myself as I am, all my actions suggest that I am not content with myself or how I am.

• ·         Depression/isolation/withdrawal

I was depressed for a winter when my symptoms really started to become a problem. I was just always sad for no apparent reason, and even the tiniest thing would set me off and I’d go cry (where no one could see me, of course.) Although it went away—and I know that my episode of depression was nowhere near as bad as others have had it—I know I could still be happier than I am now. I know it’s not depression, but probably just too much fear, too much stress, and discontent with myself.

Isolation. Yes, I for sure started isolating myself a lot more around the age 16. It just became too much and too overwhelming for me to be out with the world and other people—even my family. My dad would often ask me to come out of my room to visit and be with the family, but I often couldn’t handle it. I was also so drained of energy that it was too much effort to talk about anything, so I stayed in my room a lot. I still need tons of alone time, but I may always need my solitude.

You could certainly say I withdrew from life in general in a way. I stopped doing things with people as much, I had to stop going kyds, I stopped being able to work out (which I loved doing), I was unable to do even half of my school work, I could only work very little, and yeah, I pretty much withdrew from everything. The way I would describe myself was as a “zombie”, because that’s what I felt like: the living dead.

I am better than I was at that low point, but I still cannot handle too much, and I need to be isolated at times.

• ·         Constant feelings of overwhelm

This is one of my huge ones. I get overwhelmed so easily, that most times I don’t even want to attempt things, and I get into such a stressed mode that I would rather just give up before I begin. Of course it’s not possible to do that in real life, so I have learned to just start with one thing and forget about the rest, and then when that one task is finished, to move onto the next.

If too much is going on at once—loud music, tons of people talking, mess, stuff that needs to get done—then I feel like my senses are on overload and I tend to lose my patients.

I already feel like I am less overwhelmed with life just from my few reflex integration sessions, but it’s not totally gone.

• ·         Extreme shyness, fear in groups

I have always had this one. I am usually shy of people I don’t really know, and I just can’t totally be myself. I am way shyer of guys/men than girls/women.

I also don’t like huge groups all that much either. Yes, I look forward to New Year’s Kyds weekend, and even just Kyds in general, but I am just way less at ease than everyone else. Big groups can be scary, but then again, one-on-ones with people I don’t really know are the worst.

• ·         Excessive fear of embarrassment

I hate being embarrassed. And I get embarrassed about the stupidest things. Like what one person might get embarrassed about, I might not even realize I’m being embarrassing if I do it, but then I do something kind of embarrassing—and others might not even think it’s a big deal—and I feel so humiliated. It’s the worst feeling in the world, and I tend to go out of my way to avoid feeling like that.

I wish I didn’t have embarrassment in me at all, so that I could do anything and not feel dumb about it. 

Well, I guess it’s a good thing to a limit, but you know what I mean.

• ·         Fear of separation from a loved one, clingy

I know I have always been clingy as a young kid. I would hang onto my mom’s leg and wouldn’t budge if we went anywhere unfamiliar.

You would think I would be over that, but since this symptom has come to my attention, I realize I am still clingy! In big groups or in uncertain places, I tend to stand way too close to my friends, or even hang on to them. It’s so not normal.

• ·         Sleep and eating disorders

I used to have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Now I can usually fall asleep pretty good and stay asleep, but if my schedule gets messed up at all, I have issues.

I have never had any eating disorders that I can think of, because I have always been too concerned about health. I do occasionally go through these periods where I have no appetite and can hardly eat, but they are far and few between. I feel terrible when I get like that, so I’m glad it’s not all the time.

• ·         Feeling stuck

It was kind of funny to me to see this as one of the “symptoms”, because I have used that phrase so many times! I literally just feel stuck in life, and cannot move forward. It’s like I’m putting on the gas, but my wheels just keep a spinnin’.

I get so frustrated and feel so stuck when I try so many things, yet nothing works. It is just a very frustrating and discouraging feeling.

• ·         Elective mutism

I have read stories where some people are just so filled with fear, that they become completely mute. I know I am fearful, but I do talk—just not as much as most people.

There are times when I become so quiet, that I am pretty much mute. It is those times when I just can’t get the words out that it almost seems like a physical problem.

In presence of guys for example, I just can’t talk. I talk less in front of my dad, even. It is just strange and I don’t really know how to describe it, because I have never known any different.

• ·         Withdrawal from touch

I don’t really know about this one…I can take hugs no problem, but I do hate when people just randomly touch me or brush against me. There’s not really anything I can pinpoint about this one.

• ·         Extreme fear of failure, perfectionism

I know I have this one. It doesn’t matter how many times I have told myself that “it’s better to have tried and failed than to not have tried at all” or “If at first you don’t succeed, you are normal.” I know I would attempt way more things if I wasn’t so worried about the outcome being perfect.

• ·         Phobias

My phobias/fears are:

-          Public speaking/public attention

-          Ticks

-          Men

Strangely I could meet up with a bear in the woods and I wouldn’t be scared. I would rather see a bear than a tick any day.

And yeah, some guys are good looking (we all love eye candy, eh?), but if I’m left alone with one I don’t know for too long, I get so tense (ready to fight if necessary I suppose), and in some cases I have started shaking with fear. So absurd, yet I can’t control it.

• ·         Aggressive or controlling behavior, craves attention

I have to say I don’t really have this one. I did go through a time of aggression—namely when Walter (younger bro) provoked me. He annoyed me so much, that I would beat him up daily (between the ages 10 and 14).

I don’t crave attention. In fact, I don’t like attention, so that one doesn’t apply to me.

• ·         Low tolerance to stress

I cannot. Handle. Stress. No siree. I get drained ‘til every last ounce of energy is gone, and all that is left is a miserable, crabby shell.

Weirdly enough, in extreme cases I do alright. One time I almost hit someone head on when my car stopped co-operating on the snowy road. At the last second my car moved back to the right, but it decided to go too far right and we ended up way in the ditch. Annika (who was the only passenger) was bawling, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

Another time, a bunch of us girls were with Alissa in her car. A truck backed up into us, hitting the front passenger door and shattering glass everywhere. While everyone else screamed and swore, I just flinched a little and got covered with glass. And I was the one in the front passenger seat.

Maybe my way of expressing my fear and emotions is just backwards, I don’t know. I can think of a few other times when all of us were so scared and everyone else would be bawling, but I wouldn’t shed a tear. So maybe that’s actually a bad thing and I just repressed my emotions. Who knows?

(Notice I sort of went off topic there.)

• ·         Food sensitivities

What? It can even cause this? To me, all the problems un-integrated reflexes can cause are just mind blowing. 

I have had many food sensitivities over time, but the few that still affect me are wheat, too much chocolate, and I feel like corn makes my skin less clear and I get more flatulence if I eat it.

• ·         Fatigue

Last, but definitely not least! Because un-integrated reflexes cause the nervous system to become “unbalanced”, this triggers the fight-or-flight system to become overly activated. The fight-or-flight is something that rarely needs to be used, but when it’s activated most of the time, your source of adrenaline, thyroid, and other hormones become used up. These hormones are needed for so many things, including energy, so when the reserves are depleted, your health and energy goes down.

As I have mentioned in my first post, this has been the biggest, most dramatic and most noticeable symptom of them all. It has been very debilitating, and I can do way less than I know deep down I could be capable of. I really just want to feel healthy, energetic, full of vitality, and able to do things that I am not able to do now. I also want to be able to work out and get strong—strength just feels so good!

Although now I may seem timid, scared, weak and helpless, inside there is a ninja: fearless, brave, strong, smart and capable. One day that ninja will be let loose, and I will be unstoppable. Just you wait and see.

Love, 

Linnaia